Sunday, August 21, 2011

Dear Diary (Part 2 of 2)

August 11, 2011 (Thursday)

Dear Diary,

Wala kaming class today pero may special employment examination sa review center ang DASH Engineering. It's a Japanese subsidized design firm dealing mostly with plant and ship building. I learned that most of their projects are petro chemical plants. Sila ang manufacturer ng mga raw materials for making plastic. Habang dini-discuss yun nung general manager ng company, parang nag dalawang isip ako. I asked myself if I'm willing to work for people responsible in making those filth that kills the planet. Ayan, heto na naman ako sa mga self righteous thoughts ko. Naalala ko lang din that I had the same feeling back in my last work in Laguna. It was a housing project. Class B town houses built over rice fields. Ayun. I had that realization when I was inspecting a unit and when I turned to the window, I saw Mt. Makiling with all her glory. The remaining ricefields surrounded her like peasants worshipping a goddess. I felt dread knowing that in a couple of years, those serene ricefields will become subdivisions made of cold concrete. And I was helping in setting the destruction of such a beautiful world in action. And sad lang.

Back to the examination. I was expecting some IQ and personality tests, which were what I was accustomed to answer in employment exams like this, but it turned out to be all technical stuffs. There were some basic maths, which was too basic that I had a hard time answering, and designs. It wasn't that hard because most of them were tackled in review and some are common sense problems. I think I have a good chance in passing, then I only have to worry about the interview with the four Japanese heads and the general manager himself. If I pass then I have secured a good job that does not require passing the board exam. Of course there's my moral doubts but it could be a good fall back. Though I don't think of it that much and take it seriously because my mission is to pass the board exam this November 2011.

Talking about the board exam, may exam nga pala kami sa Hydraulics tomorrow! Study time!

August 12, 2011 (Friday)

Dear Diary,

Grabe puyat kagabi! I slept past 3:00 AM na and woke up around 7:00 AM. Ayoko nang manyari yung nangyari sa past exams ko sa review center. Nakakahiya. Kaya ayun, todo aral and I'm proud to say na I've answered every last questions! Yebah! I'm expecting a 100% score pero there could be +-5% margin of error just in case I shaded the wrong boxes kasi time na nung nag shading na ako ng answer sheets. Worst case na ang 95%. But I'm confident in my answers and it feels good. I hope to keep my future exams that way. And with that, I'm giving myself the permission to start reading the sequel to Shaman's Crossing, "Forest Mage". Excited!

'Nga pala, Tina has been talking about this group of cebu bloggers that promotes their product (Enjoy Phillippines) and I asked her if I could write for them (para may lireng priviledge kit! Haha!). Sabi niya okay daw na idea yun (siyempre hindi ko sinabing may blog ako. sabi ko lang mahilig ako magsulat) and will call the group. Pero kailangan ko munang magregister to this site na nakalimutan ko na. Tanong ko nalang sakanya mamayang dinner since sa weekends pa din naman ako makakapag internet.

Sleep mode muna. Kailangan mag recharge.

August 13, 2011 (Saturday)

Ang Saturday ng review namin ay nakalaan sa group studies about the previous weekly exam. Having confidence in my scores, I didn't feel the need to attend. I slept the morning off.

Kagigising ko lang and was doing some light reading when my father called me, which he usually does to check up on me. But that wasn't his intention this time.

"Wala na si Kim."
He was trying to be calm, as it was his training in the army under times of crises, but his voice was full of sadness.

"'Di nga Pa?"
It was a stupid question. I knew my father would not joke about his childrens' death, much more about my little sister's, who's been struggling from the clutches lymphoma for three years. But it was all I could muster, given the difficulty of the situation.

There was silence. I knew our minds were both denying that my sister just died and accepting the fact that she just did.

"Kelan Pa?"

"Kanina lang. Umuwi ka na dito. I'll send you your ticket" This time, emotions were too great that his soldier's calm is on the verge of collapsing. He had to hang up.

When I heard the news from my father, I felt nothing. No rushing of blood in the head. No upset stomach. No jelly knees. No cold sweats. No tears. It felt just like someone told me a bad joke that does not deserve any recognition. Could it be that my mind was rejecting the idea of my little sister passing away? Or was it just having a hard time digesting the news? Was it the fact that I'm always away and far from home and had little time of interaction with my siblings that their death has no impact in my emotions? Or did I have such a stone heart that I could not be sad for what happened? But I loved my little sister. I know I did. And I was ashamed that I did not feel grief. I hated myself for it.

I flew home to Manila at 4AM the next day.

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