Monday, August 29, 2011

Bridges and a Funeral (Part 1 of 2)

She has been fighting cancer for 3 years. Lymphoma. Her health was a rollercoaster ride for all of us. One day doctors and lab results tell us she's getting better, then some months after, she's back in chemo and radiation.

Although felt and showed differently, I know my sister's passing was a shock to all of us. I used to think that when you get used to having a sick relative for so long, the time that they succumb to their illnesses would have been the time that you've subconsciously (or consciously) prepared for halfway their sick lives.

I guess reality really is a lot of shades darker than theory. You always think you know how a certain situation would turnout because you have ran them through a thousand times in your head with logical simulations. But it catches you by the tail when it actually happens because you lack one important data. Emotion. Actual emotion. And kicking them out from the equation would throw your chart way off because, well, you don't really know how you would exactly react on things until they're in front of you. Just like how the old saying goes.

Not crying when I learned about my sister's death made me shame myself but I knew it was not the case when I took it all in during the wake. Well, okay, I didn't really cry. I just got teary eyed (the worst would be a tear nearly escaping my lower eyelashes).
I realized I was rejecting the idea. I kept my sadness in check. Breathing deeply and blinking fast whenever emotions are about to flood, tears start to well up and lumps start to block my throat. That was the part of me who didn't want to bee seen as less than a man by crying and sobbing. Especially when all the clan have gathered on that occasion. I was purposely preventing my thoughts into venturing deeper in my heart to fish out emotions. I kept it in the shallows of just knowing the facts. My sister died. We mourn. We socialize.

Tuesday, August 23, 2011

Dear Diary (Part 1 of 2)

August 07, 2011 (Sunday)

Dear Diary,

For the past weeks palagi nalang sumusulpot sa isip ko si Ex#5. Ewan ko ba. Maybe it's from listening too much of Papa Jack's radio show. Then today a friend told me some news about him. It's good to hear he's starting to do something good about his life but was afraid of hearing more than that. I realized that his effect on me still lingers in one of the deepest recesses of my mind. Coming out only when I thought I shrugged it all off when I came here and spent months of self discovery. Sabi nga sakin ng friend na yun, "Ang bitter bitter muna!". Maybe. Maybe not. But that made me regret the follow up text message I sent him. I'm going back to Manila for a one week break this September. Should I avoid crossing paths with him to not disrupt my healing process or should I look fear straight in the eyes and face him to conquer my weakness and be freed of this emotional attachment? Does he want to see me at all? Ugh! Just when I thought my Adele listening days are over!

(EDIT: 08/21/'11 Napaaga ang pagkikita namin ni Ex#5 and naging ok naman na kami. It turned out na wala naman palang dapat ika-worry.)

August 08, 2011 (Monday)

Dear Diary,

Exam namin ngayon sa Geotech. I only had one day to study kaya nose bleed and drama ko. It wasn't hard. May mga topics lang akong di naisama sa cramped study time na binigay ko sa sarili ko. I'll have to be ready next time.

On a lighter note, araw yata ngayon ng mga adik text messages na tulad ng mga 'to.

Texter#1: Low ev,bei

(Yes. Hindi ko din maintindihan kung ano ibig nyang sabihin but my common sense roughly translated it to mean "Hello. Good evening, bai." Is this the next plague to short message sending after the Jejemon Text?

Texter#2: Ano mas murang cake? Red Ribon or Goldy Lucks?

Okay, Red Ribon I can forgive, but Goldy Lucks?!? WTH?! I replied with, "Goldy Lucks". I can only imagine how he felt when he went to buy the cake and saw the store's name.

On a naughty note naman (puro notes? why, of course! I love notes!), later that evening, Goldy Lucks got lucky. After a month of drought, I finally went on a (sex)date again. I later learned that Goldy Lucks has a doctorate degree in Philosophy and Social Sciences and some Education stuffs and also an english major to boot (he showed me his resume and let me read it). It left me wondering. That much education and no sense of correct spelling? I did ask him why he asked about the cakes to get some reaction. He was oblivious. It was a good thing he's so good looking and manly. Okay, okay, maybe I'll cut him some slack for being a busy person who just came back from Singapore last month.

Now, I know this is the part everyone reading is excited about. Yes, we had sex. It was awkward though. Our background music are gospel songs and it was hard enough getting my dick associated with a new mouth. It only got harder listening to people sing "I love you, Jesus." while grinding.

Photo from here.

August 09, 2011 (Tuesday)

Dear Diary,

Hindi ako nakauwi sa boarding house kagabi kasi dun nako pinatulog ni Goldy Lucks sa bahay niya. Masyado lang siyang too-much-information. Revealing personal stuffs too easily to a total stranger and from what I could make up from his stories, he seem to be someone of high stature, was married and has two kids. We talked a great length until he asked me, "Gusto mo ba ako?". He paused a while to wait for my reply. His question was too demanding. Of course I like him.. enough to have a tryst with him but I couldn't just tell him that was all. It could hurt my chance for a second helping of the carnal experience we shared last night. Realizing that I'm having a hard time thinking for something to say, he continued, "Gusto kasi kita." Right. Like that statement made it easier for me to come up with a good line. It strained my mind that I was sure my face was making contortotions like I was constipated. I glued a smile and showed some teeth and prepared to say something but was not sure what. While my mind was battling with its own whether to be honest or to sugar coat, I heard myself blurt out an "Eh?". Realizing how stupid that sounded, I followed it up with "Ang bilis bilis mo naman kasi. First meeting palang natin. Hindi pa natin kilala ang isa't isa." While those words parted my lips, I was sure I heard someone make a snide comment at the back of my mind, 'Oo nga. First time and then sex agad. Haha!'. and then someone retorts with 'Eh kaya nga sexdate eh!' Anyways, he was fast to say na, "Nakakaadik ka kasi." Phew! It was a relief that is was just that shallow. I couldn't afford to be in a relationship in my current emotional state and in this current time.

We got out of bed at 9:30AM. He told me to wait while he prepares for work. We parted ways in front of his office building. While ascending a flight of stairs, he made some gestures and mouthed some words to me but not having worn my eyeglasses, I could not see what he was trying to say.

I was late for the morning class (8:00Am) so I just decided to sleep some hours off and attend the 1:00PM class.

Later that afternoon, I learned that Kent (one of my crushes in our boarding house) moved to another dormitory. Ang sad lang. Hindi ko na siya nakikita araw-araw. Hindi ko na siya natititigan ng matagal. Hindi ko na masisilayaan ang smile niya, na kahit may sungki, ay cute at nagpapakilig sa akin. Haaay. Ang landi ko lang.

August 10, 2011 (Wednesday)

Dear Diary,

Alam mo, nakakainis. The scores of our mid Pre Board Exam was posted today and my heart sank. Ako ang pinaka mababa sa aming grupo and at the bottom 30% of the class! Dinah, who's the slowest in our group, bested me by 15%. People have been asking me kung ano nangyari kasi karamihan sa kanila sa akin nagtatanong about the lessons. I felt like a fraud. Well, I could only blame myself. Masyado akong confident at stubborn at tamad at puro kalandian ang inaatupag. Time to get serious.

It's also a good thing na malapit ko nang matapos ang Shaman's Crossing ni Robin Hobbs. Naadik ako. It has been eating up a lot of my study time since I started reading it last Sunday. Hindi siya katulad nung huli kong nabasa na "Abraham Lincoln: Vampire Hunter" by Seth Grahame-Smith ) (which was a bore, IMHO)at "Kapitan Sino" ni Bob Ong (this one's a gem!) na natatapos ko sa loob ng saktong isang linggo bawat isa dahil kaya kong tiisin na hindi sila mabasa. When it comes to Shaman's Crossing, I couldn't resist. It was the longest book I've read pero I read it the shortest. I was suddenly alarmed. Baka matulad 'to sa comic book collection ko na I had no choice but to delete kasi I couldn't stop reading. And since malapit ko na nga siyang matapos, I'm giving myself just that and then won't read the sequel unless it's a Sunday (rest day from study). I don't want get into a situation where I'm forced to destroy my book collection. I'm a geek that way.

Sinisingil na nga pala ako dito sa boarding house but I couldn't pay yet. I loaned a big chunk of my allowance to Tina last week for a family emergency. It was a good call that time para maforce akong magtipid and she promised to pay within this week. Yun nga lang, isang malaking fail. She only managed to pay me 30% of what she owed me. Just enough to get me through the week. Well, I don't really need the money now and I know our land lady is understanding enough to let me pay the rent on Monday so it was not a big deal for me. But it made me wonder. Was it wise to have agreed so easily for her to just pay some amount today and the remaining next week which is totally out of the context of our deal's conditions? Could it instill in her mind that I always have money readily available to be loaned and that I don't need it that much to think that it's ok to pay late? I thought about my landlady and asked myself if that was what I was exactly doing to her. Haizt.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch

Sunday, August 21, 2011

Dear Diary (Part 2 of 2)

August 11, 2011 (Thursday)

Dear Diary,

Wala kaming class today pero may special employment examination sa review center ang DASH Engineering. It's a Japanese subsidized design firm dealing mostly with plant and ship building. I learned that most of their projects are petro chemical plants. Sila ang manufacturer ng mga raw materials for making plastic. Habang dini-discuss yun nung general manager ng company, parang nag dalawang isip ako. I asked myself if I'm willing to work for people responsible in making those filth that kills the planet. Ayan, heto na naman ako sa mga self righteous thoughts ko. Naalala ko lang din that I had the same feeling back in my last work in Laguna. It was a housing project. Class B town houses built over rice fields. Ayun. I had that realization when I was inspecting a unit and when I turned to the window, I saw Mt. Makiling with all her glory. The remaining ricefields surrounded her like peasants worshipping a goddess. I felt dread knowing that in a couple of years, those serene ricefields will become subdivisions made of cold concrete. And I was helping in setting the destruction of such a beautiful world in action. And sad lang.

Back to the examination. I was expecting some IQ and personality tests, which were what I was accustomed to answer in employment exams like this, but it turned out to be all technical stuffs. There were some basic maths, which was too basic that I had a hard time answering, and designs. It wasn't that hard because most of them were tackled in review and some are common sense problems. I think I have a good chance in passing, then I only have to worry about the interview with the four Japanese heads and the general manager himself. If I pass then I have secured a good job that does not require passing the board exam. Of course there's my moral doubts but it could be a good fall back. Though I don't think of it that much and take it seriously because my mission is to pass the board exam this November 2011.

Talking about the board exam, may exam nga pala kami sa Hydraulics tomorrow! Study time!

August 12, 2011 (Friday)

Dear Diary,

Grabe puyat kagabi! I slept past 3:00 AM na and woke up around 7:00 AM. Ayoko nang manyari yung nangyari sa past exams ko sa review center. Nakakahiya. Kaya ayun, todo aral and I'm proud to say na I've answered every last questions! Yebah! I'm expecting a 100% score pero there could be +-5% margin of error just in case I shaded the wrong boxes kasi time na nung nag shading na ako ng answer sheets. Worst case na ang 95%. But I'm confident in my answers and it feels good. I hope to keep my future exams that way. And with that, I'm giving myself the permission to start reading the sequel to Shaman's Crossing, "Forest Mage". Excited!

'Nga pala, Tina has been talking about this group of cebu bloggers that promotes their product (Enjoy Phillippines) and I asked her if I could write for them (para may lireng priviledge kit! Haha!). Sabi niya okay daw na idea yun (siyempre hindi ko sinabing may blog ako. sabi ko lang mahilig ako magsulat) and will call the group. Pero kailangan ko munang magregister to this site na nakalimutan ko na. Tanong ko nalang sakanya mamayang dinner since sa weekends pa din naman ako makakapag internet.

Sleep mode muna. Kailangan mag recharge.

August 13, 2011 (Saturday)

Ang Saturday ng review namin ay nakalaan sa group studies about the previous weekly exam. Having confidence in my scores, I didn't feel the need to attend. I slept the morning off.

Kagigising ko lang and was doing some light reading when my father called me, which he usually does to check up on me. But that wasn't his intention this time.

"Wala na si Kim."
He was trying to be calm, as it was his training in the army under times of crises, but his voice was full of sadness.

"'Di nga Pa?"
It was a stupid question. I knew my father would not joke about his childrens' death, much more about my little sister's, who's been struggling from the clutches lymphoma for three years. But it was all I could muster, given the difficulty of the situation.

There was silence. I knew our minds were both denying that my sister just died and accepting the fact that she just did.

"Kelan Pa?"

"Kanina lang. Umuwi ka na dito. I'll send you your ticket" This time, emotions were too great that his soldier's calm is on the verge of collapsing. He had to hang up.

When I heard the news from my father, I felt nothing. No rushing of blood in the head. No upset stomach. No jelly knees. No cold sweats. No tears. It felt just like someone told me a bad joke that does not deserve any recognition. Could it be that my mind was rejecting the idea of my little sister passing away? Or was it just having a hard time digesting the news? Was it the fact that I'm always away and far from home and had little time of interaction with my siblings that their death has no impact in my emotions? Or did I have such a stone heart that I could not be sad for what happened? But I loved my little sister. I know I did. And I was ashamed that I did not feel grief. I hated myself for it.

I flew home to Manila at 4AM the next day.

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Cebu Cutie : Carinderia Hunk

Spotted in a carinderia near University of San Carlos. Yumminess!

**disclaimer : I only post these photos of guys because I find them goodlooking. This is not, in any way, meant to put these guys in bad light. I don't know them personally. If there are any violent reactions or complaints against the photos, just let me know and I'll take them out. Cheers!
- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch

Location:Cebu City

Angel & Devil

Note: this entry if from weeks ago.

I'm a doodler. Which means that whenever I have a pen or pencil in hand, I tend to doodle on any surface possible. That's why I easily get distracted in class while taking notes :(

This one's drawn at the back cover of my review manual while studying for an exam later! See? This is clearly me being distracted again!

Anyways, I just figured why not make something out of these random sketches and post it whenever I'm having a frustrated writer's block. :P

Back to studying!

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch

Monday, August 15, 2011

I Heart Papa Jack

note: this is a dated post

Ever since Mommy (a fellow reviewee) and Tina (Mommy's boardmate) told me about the infamous Papa Jack and his crazy pieces of love advice, I've been addicted to his radio show ever since. Tuning in every 9:00 PM on Love Radio (97.9 here in Cebu and I can imagine some of you cringe) while studying, even my roommates have become instant fans of his show and after a few nights of having crazy laughs while listening in, the TLC: True Love Conversations virus have spread through the whole second floor of our boarding house. (note: the second floor is the guys's floor)

So, how the hell could an entire floor of male civil engineering reviewees (about 20 guys, okay, so there's a +- 15% margin for the pink sheeps among the herd, such as I, who would actually love to listen to a love advice show like this ) got hooked in listening to a radio show about feelings, relationship, love and all those mushy stuffs that come with it? Simple. Every caller that seeks Papa Jack's advice gets dished out when they really need to get dished out in a no-sugar-coating, no-non-sense, straight-to-the-point and in-your-face kind of way and it's really funny hearing Papa Jack scold them (sometimes I wonder why they still get lots of calls despite the fact that most of them callers get their asses kicked, figuratively of course) on-air but at the end of every conversations he always manages to whip out words that make a lot of sense which I mostly agree with. That every scorching hot comments he dishes out at you are necessarily evils to banish those emotional fogs that cloud your judgment. It also is a damn good laugh inducer!

I believe that I'm speaking for the rest of the guys here, despite me playing on the other team, that we may make fun of the callers (even more if it's a guy that gets all cry-baby on-air)and what they go through the hands of Papa Jack but deep inside we can relate to those people brave enough to call and learn a great deal about love, relationship and being a partner during the process.

So if you are bored and don't have anything to do, do not mind a mix of oldies and pang masa OPM love songs, a constant laughing sound effect throughout the show, wants to get a good laugh and learn a lot then do check out this radio program and I promise you won't be disappointed.

True Love Conversations
97.9 Love Radio

Here's Papa Jack when no DJ-ing

Saturday, August 13, 2011


"Golden Heart"

God saw you getting tired
and a cure was not meant to be,
So he put his arms around you
and whispered "Come to Me".
With tearful eyes we watched you,
as we saw you pass away.
Although we loved you deeply,
we could not make you stay.
Your Golden Heart stopped beating,
hard working hands at rest.
God broke our hearts to prove to us,
He only takes the best.

Copyright © 1997 Therese Williamson

Goodbye little sister. Your memories will always be with us.


Photo from here

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPod Touch

Friday, August 05, 2011

Jack Out of the Box

Photo from here

I know a lot of gay people who refuse to believe that gay relationships are inferior to those of heterosexual ones because they never seem to last. But who can really blame them? We were trained by society and religion with a boxed notion of right and morally acceptable set of rules to follow - and that does not include being gay and being in a relationship.

It could also be because of all the failed relationships, or lack thereof, they had in the past. Having thought of all possible explanations they could conjure in their minds on why those ended the way they have and coming up with the conclusion, but refusing to believe, that they are the ones responsible in one way or another, they cling to the notion that "gay relationships do not work" to spare themselves. For the acceptance of errors are for the courageous, humble and wise alone.

In reality, there really isn't that much of a difference between heterosexual and homosexual relationships. Both go through the same problems. Infidelity, petty quarrels, jealousy, mistrust, possessiveness, incompatibility and the likes. I guess the only leverage straight relationships have is the fact that they can come out in the open and have all these social rules backing them up and guiding the relationship. Although beneficial, being put inside a box could prove to be a double edged sword for this box could easily become a prison.

Gay ones on the other hand are mostly born out of secrecy that's why whenever things go south it's easy to break things up because it's a tabboo after all, right? After basking in the good things of this "tabboo", we suddenly turn self righteous declaring that ending things is the right thing to do when bad things explode. Without the external force of the "box", there is always an easy exit. But without the box, there is freedom of the soul. You can be who you really can be. But venturing outside the confines of the social paradigms is scary for there are no rules but your rules. The guiding force for living outside the box comes solely from within you, your values, priorities, will power and strength of character. For without those, you're just like a smoke vanishing into thin air as it escapes its confinement.