Thursday, April 28, 2011

Strangers, Again

We were in his room. 

Though we've seen each other a couple of times in gatherings with friends, it was actually the first time we met, as lovers.

I still remember how tidy his room was. It was a far cry from my dumpster. With bright polished floor, I was hesitant to drag my shoes in. Afraid that I might bring in some dirt from outside but he said it was ok.

The AC was on max, I guess... or was I just nervous because my hands were freezing the moment I stepped inside? We'll be attending a Christmas Party later that night with friends so he was preparing. I went and sat at the right side of his couch as I wait. There wasn't really so much talking that time. I guess we were both nervous and speechless.

"Okay ka lang diyan? Patabi." 

Finally, no more awkward, silent, waiting moments. I was relieved to hear him speak but my heart pounded tremendously as I realized the implications of those words. I was caught off guard. Part of me wanted to feel his warmth but another was afraid that if he saw me closer, he'll realize how imperfect I am.

But it didn't matter to him. He put his left arm around my shoulder and his right grabbed my waist, locking me in a soft but passionate embrace. I can feel his warm body but I was frozen. I couldn't move. I don't want to move. I was afraid that a flick of a finger or a blink or an inhale might ruin the moment. My stomach was filled with butterflies and my heart was pounding as fast and as loud like it has never been this alive before.

He moved his head closer to mine. His sweet breath sending me closer to euphoria.Then with a soft push, his lips touched mine. I could literally feel the electricity travel from my lips to my spine. It was heaven It was our first..

"He was my unicorn. Unbelievable. Crazy special. The guy I thought could never exist. It was a dream come true. The guy I wanted to be with so so badly, was finally mine." 

My last two entries were cryptic but I know you guys have figured it out. RT and I are no longer together for about a month now. The past weeks have been tough. Break ups are never easy for both parties and I would just like to say that it was a mutual decision. There were no aggrieved parties and no victims.I guess when you really love the person, you have to do what's right even if it calls for hardship and sacrifice. I just got caught up in denial after that's why It took me some time to tell a friend. 

I never really fully understood this until recently but I know life is leading us into taking separate paths. It's telling us that we have these journeys that we have to take alone in order to become better individuals. The universe have gone into too much trouble just to conspire with the events that will lead us where we are now, so whatever we have to do alone must have a great importance in our lives and no matter how far we go down our roads, I know that our paths will cross again eventually.

 "I think that, if life separates us and we end up in totally different places, I'll always remember when our paths aligned for this period of time... and I'll be thankful for that... and I hope wherever you are, you'll be thankful too. I think that's the best we could wish for." 

photos are from here and here
quotes are from Strangers, Again

Sunday, April 24, 2011

Hang Around

 All I want, really, is someone who will hang around. A guy who just really loves.... to be with me. I never imagined it would be this hard.

You find people like Randy who is on the same wavelength as you are but is emotionally unavailable and cold to even feel your warmth.

You then meet an Oliver who shares the same interests you do but is too egoistically self centered so you can never really call him yours.

There was a Warren who could love you with all his heart but the wall he built around himself, to be invulnerable, is just too strong even for him to break free no matter how hard he tries.

You venture into a gamble, risking friendship with Edison, but the vast field of differences really do get to you at some point and the friendship lost.

You try to connect with Larry  who says he wants someone serious but finds out later that he's got commitment and personal issues and just couldn't afford to share his life with you.

Then you hit it off with Lawrence who was very sweet in the beginning. But then, promises of him making up for the things you do never happened, inconsistencies accompany his romantic gestures and eventually, his sparks started dying out on you 

Then after everything that happened, you try to kid and play around yourself but what happens when you get tired? Yeah, what happens when you get tired?

What was all the pain for?
Well, hell if I know
And how much do I have in store?
Hell if I know now, I just don’t know

So true like you’re holding onto something
Like you’ve been in love with me for centuries

Singing hang around for me
You’ve got to hang around for me
If I’m gonna hang around for you

-Hang Around by Gregory Douglass, Shelter

this post was inspired by an article by marvinjammin
photos were from Gay Male Couples 
Yes, those are guys from my past. Not in chronological order. Not their real names.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011


I got lost and it didn't end up great. It wasn't a happy ending.. but, it was just a storybook. It was just a story with a sad ending, not real. No one's got any idea. But if people know and they see how devastated I am - then it's real! And it did happen. I didn't mean to get so lost!