Tuesday, July 07, 2009

How Do You Cook A Live Frog?

If you throw the live frog into a pan of boiling water the frog will hop right out, however, if you put the frog into a nice tepid pan of water and ever so slowly turn up the heat, the frog will cook before he realizes what has happened.

When most people enter a relationship, it does not appear to be toxic and often times it isn’t toxic. During the honeymoon period of a relationship, for the most part everyone plays nicely together, they even participate in each other’s events of life that they normally would have no interest or desire to be part of, however they do it for the other person. During this time, there is a newness of discovery, romantic love is in the air and we even tend to overlook or brush off what otherwise would be red flags that there could be problems with this becoming a long term loving, positive relationship. We tend to see and believe what we want to see about the other person and our relationship. Some people even consciously act differently, wear a mask of sorts, knowing that once they have the other person hooked they will slowly reveal their true self.

Most toxic relationships start out great, everything on the surface seems great, however as time passes, like the cooking of the live frog, the heat begins to be slowly turned up and things change from what appeared to be a mutually loving, positive relationship to a toxic relationship where over time one or both parties are choking on the daily toxicity of their relationship. Yet, people, even when they realize that they are in a toxic relationship often stay in the relationship and hang on for years.

There are many reasons people stay in a toxic relationship, one is that they are comfortable in their own misery, that is, yes the relationship is toxic, however I am used to it and I just don’t think I have the energy to get out of this relationship and start a new one. Another big reason is the person who wants out of the toxic relationship may have been beat down to the point where they feel that the toxic relationship is their fault or that they would not be desirable by anyone else.

I can tell you from experience why it’s so hard to leave a relationship that we have allowed to go toxic:

Leaving a toxic relationship means we are faced with ourselves, and nobody else to blame our unhappiness on. And we’re faced with the reality that only we can, and have to, solve our own problems. That’s a heavy burden. We got used to feeling secure that there will always be a someone that could carry it with us and sometimes, It’s a whole lot easier to dump our problems on someone else. Toxic relationships allow us to do that as long as we want. When we have toxic relationships with others, it means we have a toxic relationship with ourselves.

Comfort zones are also big factors. They tend to keep us in miserable relationships, since even though it might be miserable, we know how to deal with it and live with it. Change represents the great unknown for a lot of us. So I simply say:

That the unknown and unknowable are two different things.

Let me just say that you can love someone and still choose not to be with them. I hear many people say, “I stay because I because I love him/her”. If the relationship is toxic and therefore unhealthy and you cannot find away to remove the toxicity from the relationship, know that you can still love a person and make a decision to not be with them. Know that you always have options, that no one is truly stuck. Even in the darkest of hours, there are always alternatives.

If its your own situation that doesn’t seem to be working or enabling you to feel as you would like, then this is a step in your own self-growth. Do what feels right. Change something. It begins with your thoughts about what is acceptable for yourself. When you’re ready to evolve, you will. Other people will do so too.

For some, however, getting out of that toxic relationship is a shock to their system and often harder to deal with than the hell they left. That’s where they really need support. Because once they’re out of the boiling water, the realization of what they had put up with can become so overwhelming, they can beat themselves up a lot harder than the toxic individual who they had left used to do.

So if you know anyone who’s severed that kind of relationship and you think all’s wonderful in their world, stay close and supportive, not advice giving. Just be there and help them see their greatness so they can start to fly.

source: The Naked Soul


DN said...

Tama. Tagos nga ang post na 'to. Leche. :))

Knox Galen said...

I guess the reason why I was able to pull things together when I left a relationship is because I was already preparing for it long before the separation happened.

Even when you dwell on what was broken, don't be too harsh about your past. It wasn't that bad, knowing some other relationships had been worse.


Blakrabit said...

@DN at kanino ka naman toxic?

@Knox it just hurts pretty bad because after all i've put through and given up, he dropped me like a hot potato and grabbed something else.

but I have moved on now and I know things are going to be great :D

wanderingcommuter said...

tap on your shoulder!